Bloggin (from 6/12/2009)

It's strange the places where you can learn stuff. Especially when you weren't brought up to read too much or were never taught the proper way to educate yourself when you're curious about something. If you're prone to learning, you can soak in knowledge from anything. Some people don't need "experience" at their jobs, careers or hobbies to be successful at them. Some people are able to gain "experience" from everything (literally) that has happened to them, no matter how "insignificant" that an event was.

I've learned just about everything I know from small conversations or situations that take place around me that normally wouldn't seem to matter. However, I tend to extrapalate these small tid bits of information into how to go about my everyday life. I stick to these tid bits until they are proven wrong. Because of this, and at a point along the road I haven't a clue where, I forgot what my personality was. This isn't necessarily that bad of a thing. Luckily, people are creatures of habit. I haven't done anything so terrible that I'm going to live in regret for the rest of my life. But I know I've lost the pieces of my conscience that kept me from doing the things I shouldn't do or made me do the things I should.

Now, one of those tid bits is going to save me.

Many years ago, I was watching Saturday Night Live, when it was good. I saw the mock-commercial for Uncle Jemima's pure mash liquor. It stars Tracy Morgan as Uncle Jemima, Aunt Jemima's husband who wants to sell his brand of liquor. And selling is what this blog entry is all about. Except it's about the terrible job I've been doing selling myself to everyone else. It's also about what I'm going to do about it.

Years after seeing this commercial, when I first had high speed internet (freshman year of college), my roommate and I began downloading funny clips that we haven't seen in years: particularly SNL clips. I stumbled upon the Uncle Jemima's pure mash liquor commercial. I remembered it being hilarious, so I downloaded it. At one point, toward the end, Uncle Jemima starts swatting at the cartoon birds after drinking from his bottle. Tim Meadows' character says, "what you swattin' at". Good stuff. At any rate, at one point during the clip, Uncle Jemima says that Aunt Jemima asks him why he wants to sell booze and Uncle Jemima tells her "I said sell what you know, and I know booze."

And that line stuck with me. "Sell what you know." That became one of my tid bits. And tonight it helped me out. For reasons irrelevant to this blog, the fact that I've strayed away from who I really am finally started to bother me for the right reasons. It used to bother me because I thought I wasn't "being myself" or because I might start doing immoral things or for some other reason God only remembers. Today, it bothered me because who I am is a shit load better than anything I've ever tried to be.

Sell what you know. Here's what I know:

I know baseball.
I know I can write.
I know I have a big heart.
I know I'm a thinker.
I know I'm a ham.
I know I'm shy because of my insecurities.
I know I think I'm the best at everything I put my mind to. I know I may not be.
I know I can probably make you laugh more when not trying than I can by trying.
I know that I'm lazy but that I still work my ass off anyway because it's the right thing to do.
I know I care more about respect than money or any material things.
I know that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

The rest is bullshit.

Somewhere along the way, the arrogance, the pride, the selfishness, the jealousy and the fear that come with being a human got the best of me. I forgot what I was supposed to stand for. More importantly, I forgot what I was supposed to represent. First and foremost, I represent my family. I'm supposed to be an extension of them. For a while, I have not been. I've been an embarrassment to them. Even worse, at times, I've been embarrassed by them when they've done nothing to deserve that. Especially considering that at the end of the day, they're all I've really got... and that at the end of the next day, they may not be there.

What I've written in previous blogs is not what I'm all about. What I do at my job is not what I'm all about. The things I say and do when I'm out getting completely shit-faced with the people that I've met are not who I am. These things are essentially meaningless to me. They are a miniscule part of who I am. They have been the medium by which I have been able to crawl out of my shell and associate with other people, a majority of which I truly want nothing to do with. I write these blogs, I go to my job and I drink these beers because I don't know what else to do. I do it because I hunger for a reaction from people. It's not an honest way to live, and it's not an easy way to create any kind of relationship with anyone who's worth a damn. Because of this, I consider myself lucky. I have my family who's been there no matter what. And I've got friends who, for God knows why, break their backs for me even though at times I've been nothing but trouble. Hopefully it's because they know I'd break mine for them as well. How they would have managed to figure that out from the joke of a life I've been living is beyond me. I'm hoping that at times along the road, they've seen the real me. Hopefully, they've seen the side of me that is shy, or the side of me that can't hurt a fly. Hopefully, the fact that I can put down a case of beer, talk shit and stay up 'til five has little to do with it. Who knows? But I'm going to take my mulligan, chalk it up as a lesson learned, consider myself lucky and move on from here. But like I said, actions speak louder than words, so we'll see what this ol' wannabe can muster up in round 3.